Category: wordplay

Stubbed my toe at midnight last night, started off 2012 on a bad foot

I missed my bus this morning. I really shouldn’t get so sentimental about public transport.

It helps to be optimistic if you’re a smoker. That way, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

It is a well known fact that eventually, birthdays kill us. Especially when a stick of dynamite is used instead of a candle.

Last night I was at a party for brittle bone disease sufferers. Breakdancing was the norm.

I’ve decided to move to Saudi Arabia to open a bar that sells only milk sheikh’s

The local paedophile was arrested for washing and cutting children’s hair. Police say he was grooming them.

A woman came round to the flat today to buy my vibrator. I buzzed her in.

My girlfriend told me that I’m too violent and that I ‘treat her like an object’ So, in an effort to prove her wrong, I punched her in the face. Which kind of defeated the object.

My brother and I were seeing all these Pope jokes come up and wondered how many more months they would drag on for. He suddenly shouted – “Let’s have a sweepstake”. I replied “Its not the time to be thinking of eating Sooty’s friend”.

The other day i was at a restaurant and a waiter challenged me to a rap battle I got served

I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying. I thought, “If anything, you’re just making it worse.”

“Daddy, when I grow up I want to be a pharmacist!” my daughter exclaimed. “Why on earth would she want to be a helper on a farm?” I thought to myself

My door-bell went this morning. That’s the third time this week it’s been nicked.

I entered a contest last week for the most prominent veins. I didn’t win, but I came varicose.