Category: wordplay

I was in a crowded pub with my mate, when he suddenly sprayed me with fluorescent paint. Wish he’d stop showing me up like that.

People who shake tins in the street for churches..Don’t they beggar belief?

When I was younger one of my teeth fell out while my Auntie Anne was babysitting for me. She noticed I had placed my tooth under my pillow along with a spliff. She said, “I don’t think the tooth fairy will be wanting a spliff.” I replied, “Yes she will, she’s a rasta fairy Anne.”

I’m not saying my son’s a born pedant, but even as a young child, he would play correct-the-dots.

I used to have a Fox and an Ox, but now only have an Ox due to the fact I lost my F’in Fox.

At work, my boss always abuses his power. He has ten appliances plugged into a single socket.

I placed an advert in the job centre for a ‘PVC Specialist’ All the applicants arrived in bondage suits and gimp masks… maybe I should have added that we also make conservatories in Wood and Aluminium.

I accidentally mistook Clearasil for toothpaste; my teeth are spotless.

Instead of giving me a handjob, my girlfriend tried using her keyring… I felt like I was being fobbed off.

Just had some Walkers crisps. Nicked them out of his Berghaus rucksack.

I love being an Indian Cobra! I live a charmed life.

I spent hours studying the pyramids today. I’ve concluded they’re much nicer than the round tea bags.

I walked home with a skip in my step today. Accidentally stood on a packet of crisps.

I’ve decided to take the day off today. I’m just going to call it to.

Lemons. They’re sublime.