Category: wordplay

Doctors have just told they need to amputate boths my hands. I’m not sure how i’ll feel

My mate is punching well above his weight with his latest girlfriend. Her obesity being the main reason he beats her.

People who confuse the metaphorical and the factual make my head literally explode.

Leonard Nimoy is gravely ill & despite being a firm believer in alternative medicines, he is not responding to any treatment. The doctors have given him just a few days to live. Should have gone to Spocksavers.

Since we got married, my wife’s been having the time of her life. It’s like her time of the month, but it never ends.

There was over two grand in my bank this morning and I’m not due to get paid for another week. I think my boss has been making advances at me.

This morning I walked past an eight foot tall Eastern European lifting a heavy load onto a first floor balcony so I went,”Ukraine?”

I was going to make a joke and jump on the whole Raoul bandwagon, but I wasn’t moativated

My mums sister is very knowledgeable when it comes to time pieces, good old Aunty Clockwise..

Archaeologists working on a ancient Saxon dig, have been excited to unearth the body of a man believed to have have murdered in a dispute over the ownership of dye. It’s thought to be the earliest case of Woad Rage on record.

Went to Tenerife two years ago, didn’t get laid. Went to Majorca last year, didn’t get laid there either. I’m going to Ibiza this year; it’s my last resort.

I got run over by three old men going down a hill in a bathtub. Can I claim for compo?

I’ve been trying to get a six pack for years but it’s just impossible. No matter where I look, Stella only comes in fours, tens, twelves, twenties and twenty-fours.

Our local school had a “Fun Day” today. They learned about irony.

The proudest moment of my life was in that delivery room, watching my girlfriend give birth to our baby. Although I’ll never know how we ended up in that post office depot.