Category: wordplay

“I’m going to one of those Arab countries for an operation. I need to stop this fluid from coming out of my nose,” I said to my mate. “Qatar?” “No, the doctor says it’s blood.”

If you get a bullseye with your first dart and a bullseye with your second dart, what do you get? Gored by a blind bull.

My girlfriend lost her job for being a stunner. She’s not good looking or anything, just an over aggressive police officer.

Daily Express: “Our little girl lives with half a brain” Strange name for a partner.

My vegetarian mate broke up with his girlfriend the other day. I told him “Don’t worry, there’s plenty more vegetables in the coma ward.”

I’m trying to battle my addiction to roundabouts. Unfortunately, I’m not getting very far.

I see Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has offended the Hillsborough victims by suggesting hooliganism played a part. After so much effort in striving for justice, I bet they’re all crushed.

My wife used to just nod and smile at my Bukkake jokes, mainly because she didn’t know what it meant … But then one day, it hit her.

Me and my wife watched three films back to back last night. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

Sky News: Girl of 5 crushed my automatic gate Tributes in the form of flowers, cards and teddies have been left on the gate which crushed her. Do they really think making the gate look more attractive to young children will stop this happening again?!

I was on the beach early this morning, looking for hidden treasure. As I swept my new gadget across the sand, it started beeping, so I got my shovel and started digging, hoping to find gold. It was a very disappointing haul. I uncovered a carrot wrapped in bacon, a cat with a machete through […]

“So you are saying that the there’s actually a word for something that means exact in terms and without vagueness?” my friend asked, flabbergasted. “Precisely.” I replied.

I’ve recently found out that YOLO is an acronym for ‘You Only Live Once’. I’m not really a fan of that, so I’ve started using make an acronym for ‘Seize The Day’ instead.

I was sat next to a fat black woman who looked pregnant in the doctors waiting room today. I said “What are you having?” She went ‘ape’

I asked my mate for a second opinion. He said, “Well I-” -“Whoa” I said, “Times up.”