Category: wordplay

I was on a cruise when the ship’s engines failed. We were stranded at sea. Several boats were sent to rescue us. As one woman stepped off the ship, she caught her shirt on the ladder and it ripped, revealing her bra. She then tore her skirt on the side of the rescue boat, which […]

Sky News : Dad Finds His Children Dead In A Freezer It would take a cold heart to make jest of this

The rulers of the Ottoman Empire must have had plenty of places to put their feet up.

After my mate was paralysed from the waist down he quickly turned to drink, drugs and gambling. Shame really, he used to be such a stand up guy.

Can you tell me what someone from Corsica is called? Corsican.

So there I was chatting to a nice polite librarian about a book when she picked it up, turned around and bent suggestively over to place it away on the bottom shelf. I thought it really lowered the tome of the conversation.

The doctor signed me off work for a month with a ruptured pericardium. My heart bleeds.

It’s in the field of auto-eroticism that I come into my own.

The police made a drug bust at my house yesterday. They were there for hours, lovingly carving it out of a giant MDMA crystal.

All of my salad and sandwich dressing expires in 2012. Serves me right for buying Mayannaise.

I went to get my body waxed yesterday, they did a really bad job. Oh well I should have gone to pecshavers.

What’s wrapped in aluminium foil and hangs around the cathedral? The lunchpack of Notre Dame

After smoking for 20 years, running for the bus nearly kills me so I’m going to give up. I’ll stick to walking

I mistook my teacher for a tube worker today. In my defence, the resemblance was striking.

A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp. I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.”