Category: transport

As my girlfriend was leaving to go to her best friend’s hen party I shouted after her, “Have you remembered to take a set of L plates love?” With a laugh she shouted back, “I don’t think it’s going to be that kind of cheap, tacky occasion darling. We’re going to a Michelin starred restaurant.” […]

A TFL train is a lot like a condom in many ways. They both hold millions of lives, contain disease, enter tunnels and inevitably break causing absolute mayhem.

I’ve bought a Dodge Charger off eBay. Now all I’ve got to do is find an electric Dodge.

I was asked if I’ve ever fallen asleep whilst driving. I said “Not that I remember, but I have woken up driving several times”

My wife rang me today and said, “I think the brakes on the car are faulty.” I said, “Where’s the car now?” She said, “In the living room.”

I had quite a bad accident in the car this morning. I knew it was a bad idea to drive to work with diarrhoea.

I spend hours trying to get to sleep on aeroplanes in those stupid, uncomfortable seats. I finally get drunk and drift off and the next thing I know I’ve got the air hostess waking me up, wanting me to make a stupid announcement and land the plane.

Did you hear about the guy who tried to use his atlas to get past the tube barriers? He thought the world was his Oyster.

When travelling on public transport, keep the seat next to you free by patting it gently whilst nodding your head and smiling at anybody that looks like they are about to sit in it.

My car must be one of the most ecologically friendly cars on the planet. I’ve lost the ignition key.

Breaking News: Ryanair wins contract for air travel arrangements for 2012 Luton Olympics

Nothing in the world is more annoying than the little triangle that the windshield wipers can’t reach!

I don’t understand these people who say they have a fear of flying. When you’re on a plane at 35,000ft surely flying is the optimum situation?

I was planning to take my son off the car roof hours ago. But all the other drivers are having so much fun waving and flashing their lights at us.

Statistics show the majority of road accidents take place within three miles of the drivers home. I minimise this risk by keeping my car in a lock up garage three miles away, travelling to and from it by bicycle.