Category: stupid

What’s big, grey and can’t climb a tree? A carpark

I was in the pub last night with some friends for the pub quiz. One said to me, “Are you any good at general knowledge?” I replied, “I don’t know much about history, don’t know much biology, don’t know much about a science book, don’t know much about the French I took, but we’ll be […]

Got home from work and jumped in the shower. Tomorrow I’m installing a trampoline to make it even more bouncy.

I legally changed my name to Bruce Banner. It’s got me out of many a parking ticket.

A smoker got lost in the woods. He went ashtray.

My neighbour accused me of being a flasher the other day. I almost tripped over my pants.

I’m sick to death of people who don’t understand ‘irony’. For the last time, it means iron-like.

A policeman pulled me over last night. “Is this yours?” he asked. I said, “No, it belongs to the company I work for. I’m just using it out of work hours to help my brother move house.” “What’s on the back?” he asked. I said, “A fridge freezer, a washing machine and a double mattress.” […]

At the start of the exam, the invigilator says, “You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed.” Two hours later, the invigilator calls out, “Time’s up, Ladies and Gentlemen.” One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the invigilator has all the collected papers in […]

What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells

Defy the government at the start of British Summer Time by refusing to put your clocks forward at 2.00 in the morning. ‘Save’ the hour for later in the day. You still get your lie-in and you can fast forward your day when it suits you, like when there is nothing on telly.

How does Batman’s mum call him in for his dinner? She doesn’t. His parents’ savage untimely death as a child is what ultimately leads him to become the Dark Knight.

I’m an accountant but in my spare time I fight crime. I’m a loan ranger.

I’m loving my job selling Wind Tunnels……. It’s a breeze!

As I sat there in the hospital waiting area, the nurse said she was going to get my CAT scan. How they managed to get him out of his cage, I don’t know.