Category: stupid

I’ve got a flower growing in my garden that glows fluorescent green. It’s a nuclear plant.

I ran out of excuses for staying off work, so I rang in dead this morning.

When is it time to stop doing your daughters homework? As soon as it gets hard.

Apparently there are people who regard the saying “There are no stupid questions” as a challenge.

I called Domino’s to complain about my pizza and said “Mate, there’s no toppings, no sauce, and no cheese” “What was supposed to be on it?” He asked “Pepperoni and onion” “Ok, I’ll need to find out who took the order, stay on the phone for a few minutes” He said “Sorry about that, you’ll […]

I went to my first football match the other day. I wasn’t keen: it was so noisy, I couldn’t even hear the commentary.

Someone in my house must think I’m stupid, swapping the contents of my biscuit tin for fireworks… I nearly dipped a rocket in my tea.

I don’t know why people were giving me strange looks down at the beach just because I was wearing flip-flops. My ears were cold.

Playing darts with my mate today and got hit by a flight, we’re now both banned from Gatwick runway.

I held the door for a little old lady in the shop today. We all laughed as she banged on the window shouting, “Let me in.”

My wife just had the cheek and the audacity to call me immature. I can’t believe I’m one of the most mature people I know – Mike Oxlong

I went to draw some cash at the ATM this afternoon. Seems like I take my art craving too far these days.

Just walked past a French flag flying proudly high. Since when did it have red and blue stripes on it?

So I was jumping away on a homeless man, when I wondered why I wasn’t getting a good bounce. Turns out there is no abbreviation for a ‘trampoline’

I found out why Toblerone is triangular today. So it fits in the box.