Category: stupid

‘Rhino poaching problem in South Africa’. Why can’t they just stick to eggs like the rest of us?

I really do feel children these days aren’t impressed with the importance of safety in traffic enough. I hit a kid on a bike the other day, splattering him across thirty feet of road. I got out and surveyed the carnage, shaking my head and thinking “If only his parents had told him to wear […]

I spotted a golden retriever this morning… I’ve always prefered dalmations.

I was out having a few pints with the lads last night. I drank them all under the table. “Dave, why you drinking your pints under there?” They kept asking.

My baby won’t stop crying. He was born with an onion for a head.

Apparently, tortoises can live for 150 years, so I’ve bought one to see if it’s true.

I was talking to a bloke in the pub tonight. I said, “I got a parking ticket today.” He said, “Really? Where did you get it?” I said, “Under my windscreen wiper.”

So Libyan authorities have announced an investigation into Gaddafi’s death. Results have returned to show that Gaddafi is, indeed, dead.

I asked my boss in DFS what he wanted me to do today. “I want you to rearrange the furniture,” He said. “Furniture the,” I replied.

The boomerang. For people who don’t have any friends.

Can anybody help? I need to think of another term for ‘cash machine’ and cant think of any atm.

I just rang the emergency services and said, “There’s just been an explosion at the prosthetic limb factory where I work..!” They asked, “Is it bad, sir?” I said, “Don’t worry, it looks a lot worse than it is.”

I went into a shop earlier and there was a sign sayin ‘25% off clothes in here this week!!’ So i took my top off.

Glanced through a window today and thought i saw a sheep pole dancing. On closer inspection it was a kebab shop!

The wife just said, “Show me what you’re made of, big boy!” So I gave her a bucket of offal.