Category: stupid

My boss just called me into his office. He said, “You’ve already had a verbal warning about your lateness and now I’m giving you a written warning. If you’re late again I promise that there will be no more warnings!” I’m going to purposely be late everyday next week, just to see if he keeps […]

I invented giraffes by uppercutting horses.

My wife tried to humiliate me by pointing out my Pokemon obsession in front of our entire family. It was super effective.

I ran my wife over this morning. It was my fault really; I shouldnt have been driving in the kitchen.

I hate paedophiles. In fact, I hate them that much I actually grab all the kids in the playground and hide them in my van before the perverts can take pictures of them.

I just knocked on my neighbours door and said, “Have you got any condoms?” He said, “I’ve got piles.” I said, “Sorry to hear that mate, have you got any condoms?”

Tried to cancel a meeting at work today because something came up. Apparently ‘having an erection’ was not a valid excuse.

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

My mate said, “If you were stuck on a desert island, what’s the one thing you couldn’t survive without?” I said, “Oxygen”.

I looked like a right plank earlier… Doing my stomach exercises in the gym.

When I was younger, my Mr.Potato head would often pick fights with my other toys, but he never won. You should have seen how many times he had his face rearranged.

The cops pulled me up so I wound down the window and said, “What seems to be the problem Officer?” “You drove right past a ‘Stop’ sign,” he replied “I don’t like to read when I’m driving.”

I was going to use plasticine to make a model of Homer Simpson, but I changed my mind. I decided to use Play D’oh instead.

The fires in California are spreading, already killing 2 and threatening 100,000 homes. That’s what you get when you try to put the fire out with Marshmallows on sticks.

I just phoned my local Indian restaurant and said, “Can I order a chicken madras, pilau rice, a naan bread and some samosas please.” “Are you going to be picking it up?” he asked. I said, “No mate, it gets too messy, I’ll use a fork.”