Category: stupid

I had a dream I was eating a big fat marshmellow. I woke up, my wife was still there.

It amazes me how it’s 2012 and we still can’t get some colour photographs of the moon.

It was my first time in the boxing ring and it only took 32 seconds to make a huge impression. Even the judges had to admit .. “We’ve never seen a boxer with so many corner men.”

My fiancee divorced both her previous two husbands for being stupid. Let’s hope this is fourth time lucky.

BBC News: Girls have increased their lead on boys in GCSEs, in another record-breaking year. The art of copying really has taken a nosedive.

I went on a dad/son adventure day today. It was harder than I thought it would be to abseil and canoe whilst holding an urn.

A new girl started working in my local shop. She is absolutely gorgeous. I was thinking of how I could impress her so one day I came up with a plan. I casually strolled up to the counter and asked for a box of condoms. “What size?” she asked. “Extra large,” I replied with a […]

The Police stopped me in the car earlier. “Couldn’t help noticing your dog sir.” “With his head stuck out of the window?” I replied, “All dogs love doing that in the car.” “Very true sir,” he nodded, “Just never seen one do it whilst he was driving before.”

Just put the finishing touches to my new T.V show, ‘9 billion ways to die.’ Number 9 billion is ‘of old age, watching a pointless countdown show and realising you’ve wasted your life.’

My wife is so fat, she had to call the AA this morning to come and fix four flat tyres on her roller skates.

I said to a mate, “The doctor removed a tumour the size of a golf ball from my wife’s stomach once.” “Seriously? How did he get that out then?” “With a sand-wedge.”

My mate’s got a Mirrored ceiling. Waste of newspaper if you ask me.

My mate told me he was quite proud of the fact he doesn’t snore. I felt the need to point out I was so good at snoring, I could do it in my sleep.

My girlfriend has just given birth and, unfortunately, the baby came out dead. I know what this means and I’m extremely upset – I just can’t believe she’s been having an affair with a zombie.

My wife said to me, “I’ve got a bad headache.” I didn’t realize that there is such thing as a good headache.