Category: stupid

My girlfriend called me thick the other day. I informed her the technical term is ‘wide girth’ but thanked her for the compliment.

What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NAAAAA!

I tried using Bounty to clean up a spillage the other day, If anything, the chocolate made it worse.

I’ve just bought myself a meal for tonight from Tesco. It says on the box, ‘Must be eaten before Feb 2011’ How slow do they think I eat?

What is black and crispy? A burnt crisp

Are the best before dates on Penguins referring to the biscuit or the joke?

As she lay there screaming in agony, her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try and undress a woman with his eyes.

I went to a party last night and got talking to a Policeman. Sounds far better than arrested, doesn’t it?

I feel sorry for Sheep Dogs: They have to make a lot more effort than the beautiful sheep.

“Can I have a doggy bag, please?” “You know, that’s the first time anyone has asked me that in all my years of neutering pets.”

I’ve always wanted to join a band, but my girlfriend said I wouldn’t because I play the silliest instrument. So I took my electric triangle and went elsewhere.

I was having an argument with my wife and in pure anger I threw one of her most expensive belongings, a vase, onto the ground. She said, “Two can play at that game, you know.” So I handed her another vase.

Lamb Shanks? Is that how they protect themselves against Welsh farmers?

If I had a pound for every time someone called me stupid, I’d have 2.50

I made a mint at the bookies today. I stuck 3 pieces of Polo together to waste time before I went home to tell the wife I’d lost our house on the first race.