Category: stupid

Either HMV have lost the plot, or the Saw 1-6 box set I want really is a perfect partner to Twilight New Moon.

I hopped on a bus the other day and the bus driver was surprised I could jump so high.

Daily Mirror: “Being fat nearly killed me – now I’m starving to death” Solution: Eat something.

When Mozart was my age, he’d already written several symphonies. Then again, when Sid Vicious was my age, he was dead, so I’m okay really.

I walked into Waterstones and said, “I bought this book on Speed Reading but I want my money back.” “Do you have a receipt?” she asked “Of course,” I said, handing it to her “But this receipt is 3 years old.” “Exactly.”

What do you get if you kill 100 ogres with a can of special brew? Kicked out of Games Workshop.

Some bloke offered me 150,000 cash to buy my house. I accepted his offer, took the money and moved out. Not a bad little deal considering it was owned by the council.

This is a true story: My girlfriend was invited to a party yesterday. She was a bit confused because shed never heard of a venue called TBA.

I was drinking my tea last night when I suddenly thought. Why doesn’t she just put it on a plate instead of liquidising it.

Met the Queen the other day and on an impulse thought I’d try out one of my gags on her. When I was done I asked, “Well, what do you think?” She said, “Mmmmph hmmm!” Then I was rugby tackled to the floor by her bodyguards.

I just saw the new M.Night Shyamalan movie. The twist at the end was so big that it ended up finishing exactly how everyone predicted.

My mum makes a brilliant chicken stock. Once their little legs are in there, we pelt them with rotten fruit.

You never know what’s around the corner, unless you’re local.

Earlier today I saw a blonde grabbing at the air above her head. She was collecting her thoughts.

My favourite film is the French film ‘And’. I think it was released here as ‘ET’.