Category: stupid

‘Doctor, doctor! I think I’m addicted to Twitter!’ ‘I’m not following you.’

My mate always has birds hanging off his arm. He’s a poacher.

My blind neighbour was saying he wanted to keep fit, but it’s impossible when his Golden Retriever is trained to keep him safe. So last night I swapped it for a Greyhound.

Just told my mum that I’m getting married to a girl I know from Facebook whom I’ve never met. She said, “You my son, need professional help!” So I’ve hired a Wedding Planner

I’m really close to my gran. I’m stood right next to her.

Me and my wife were walking around the holiday camp when we noticed a little boy sitting down really upset. My wife looked at me and said, “He might be lost, you have to do something.” “Me?” I said, “Like what?” She said, “I don’t know, but you can’t just leave him sitting there crying […]

Awwwww bless……… My 2 year old son has fallen asleep face down in the bath. Must be all that running around, he’s obviously knackered. Oh well, I won’t disturb him.

I didn’t realise understand the need for a Pacifier Until I bought my “Dummies for Dummies” guide

You’re one of those type of idiots who like to get a number just on the dot at the pumps, then go and spend 54p on a Kit Kat in the garage.

Well I’ve just lost my job on the building site. Turns out bricklaying isn’t what I thought it was.

After mis-hearing the wife, I said: “Say that again, love?” To which I got “As I said before, I never repeat myself.”

BBC News: Britain to get Euro as new currency. how stupid will that be, going in to the butchers and asking for a euro of sausages

My wife’s got a red face after sitting outside in the nice weather today. I don’t know what made her think she could put lipstick on with the sun in her eyes.

I was waiting to see the doctor, then the receptionist said, “the doctor can see you now.” I said to her, “thanks, but why was he blind folded in the first place?”

A girl talked to me today, and said it’s 11/11/11. That only happens once every 100 years. So does 11/11/11.