Category: stupid

I answered the door before. I didn’t even know it could ask questions.

My mate says he is an optimist. But I’ve never seen him test someone’s eyesight in his life.

When the dentist told me I needed 16 fillings I was mortified. “But I don’t understand it,” I said, “I floss my teeth twice a day.” “What sort do you use?” he asked. “You know,” I replied, “The pink fluffy stuff.”

I saw a toadstool begging in the street today. He had a sign next to him that read: ‘Gnomeless, please help.’

It sends my son crazy when I tell him to sit on the naughty step, We live in a Bungalow.

My wife said she’ll leave me if I don’t stop treating her like a child. She’s so grounded.

I’m surprised at how many hot fat chicks there are. None.

My mate got arrested at a football game last week and called me to arrange for bail. I asked him,”On what grounds did they arrest you?” He answered,”Old Trafford.”

What’s yellow and dangerous ? Shark infested custard.

Seatbelts in case a plane crashes. About as much use as an ejector seat in a helicopter.

A-lot of jokes nowadays are from observational comics. Which is understandable, how else do you read them?

We got our dog from the local rescue centre. He’s well behaved, but whenever my wife lights a candle, he always puts it out. I think he must have trained as a snuffer dog.

I went to see my doctor today. “How many bottles of beer do you drink each day?” he asked. “5 or 6” I replied. “Right” he said, “And how many do you smoke?” I said, “None, I only drink them.”

My American mate was really impressed by what he believed to be Britain’s most notorious graffiti tagger. He said he’d tagged nearly every urinal he’d used. Apparently they’ve never heard of ‘Armitage Shanks’ over there.

I jumped through a wardrobe today, and went to Narnia. It looks a lot like Ikea but with angrier staff.