Category: stupid

A friend hooked me up with a blind date last night. I was waiting outside the station, and decided to give the woman I was meeting a call. “Hey, where are you?” I asked. “Just coming out of the station now.” she replied. “Oh, you can probably see me, I’m wearing a blue T-shirt.” I […]

My mate died a while ago, and I was told to wear something dark to the funeral. You should have seen their surprise when I turned up in a Batman costume.

In cinemas this Friday: The Rentokil Story. Soundtrack by Deadmau5.

A couple of lads tried to get into my car last night so I attacked them with a baseball bat. I’m not cut out to be a taxi driver.

Why do Giraffes have long necks? Because their heads are so far away from their bodies.

My wife said, “Do you know that the guy next door kisses his wife four times a day, gives here roses every evening…why don’t you be like that too?” I said, “Well, I can try as long as he allows me to kiss her.”

I was talking to a really fit girl earlier. She said, “Okay, put the phone down.” I said, “No, you put the phone down.” She said, “You put the phone down.” “No, you put the phone down” I giggled. Anyway, it went on for about 10 minutes before I was approached by security and thrown […]

I was in a posh restaurant with my new girlfriend the other day. I tried to impress her by ordering our food in French, but the waiter was very rude, and didn’t seem too impressed with my efforts. I complained to the manager, who was very apologetic. He even offered us free prawn crackers with […]

What’s worse than finding a spider in your bedroom? Losing a spider in your bedroom.

I manage my local pub football team and we had a game last night. At half time we were 3-0 down and I was stressed, freezing cold and hungry. My mate said, “I’m quickly popping to the shops, do you want anything?” I said, “Yeah, get me a 12 inch sub.” He came back ten […]

It was so cold today I couldn’t feel my hands. The last time I remember it being this cold I got frostbite and lost both my hands.

Domino’s have built more than 600 shops in the UK since 1985. I don’t know about you, but I’m really tempted to knock them all down.

I was burning the candle at both ends yesterday. Completely ruined my son’s birthday cake.

My girlfriend turned to me last night and said, “I don’t think that our relationship will ever work unless you can change”. Reluctantly I went upstairs, took off my tutu and put on a pair of jeans.

My girlfriend dumped me for being too immature. I said, “Is it because of my Toy Story underwear?” She said, “Yes, and please stop calling it underwear. They’re nappies.”