Category: stupid

I was walking through Glasgow today, when I was stopped by a representative from Aquafresh Toothpaste. She said, “Did you know that the average person only brushes 30% of their teeth?” I said, “We’re in Glasgow love, the average person only has 30% of their teeth.”

I was changing my baby daughter’s nappy this morning when I noticed she had diarrhoea. I said to my wife, “She’s got diarrhoea and there’s a few bits of sweetcorn in it.” She said, “It’s probably her teeth.” I said, “No love, it’s definitely sweetcorn.”

Some people consider me stupid. Moron that later.

I sat in front of the fire looking at the note in my hand. As I slowly crumpled it up and threw it into the flames it dawned on me. I have more money than sense.

The lone ranger and Tonto are walking through the desert. Tonto says “We must stop here, my horse is tired” The lone ranger replies “how do you know that?” “He’s put his pyjamas on”…

There are 3 types of people in this world. People who can count and people who can’t.

I bought some paint that promised a shiny and glossy coat. Turns out it doesn’t work on dogs.

My neighbours obviously really enjoy my late night guitar playing. They smash my windows through, so they can hear me more clearly.

I just wish I heeded my mate’s advice a bit more with my new puppy. “Take care with the heat in the car when leaving it on it’s own!” he said. Stupid me could only afford a two bar electric fire and it’s died.

I drove my car into work today. Now I owe my boss 5 desks, 4 computers and a new brick wall.

There’s a poster outside my local Asda that says, ‘UK Baby Retailer Of The Year 2011’. They never have any out on the shelves.

I’m very happy,. I just been to the hospital for a brain scan but nothing showed up

So Primark were forced to remove their bikini for 7 year olds from sale, yet Tescos are still allowed to sell all those school uniforms.

Derren Brown asked us to text in what they drew after looking at her eyes. Josh in Nottingham wrote, ‘I drew an eye’. Well done my friend, well done.

I think my Son might be dyslexic. He came running up to me earlier ‘Dad look! I got nine out of ten in my spelling test today!’ ‘That’s great’, I said and had a look. ‘However… This is a maths test, see there, where it says maths test? Also, you didn’t get nine out of […]