Category: stupid

My girlfriends autistic son seems disturbed at my being in his home. The other night I was trying to cook a romantic meal for her but he kept dropping spoons in the hot pans. He’s just trying to stir things.

I bought a new guard dog but it’s useless. He only barks whenever I look at the time. I said to him, “You don’t really get this whole watchdog thing, do you?”

Went to see a Psychic today. She clarified that she wasn’t a fraud, and that she hears the voices in her head. I said, “I know, that’ll probably be the guy talking into your earpiece.”

My daughter was suffering from severe back pain, so I fetched the medical book to see what it suggested. It said how getting my daughter into the ‘foetal position’ may help her. And that, your honour, is why I tried forcing my daughter back into my wife’s womb.

If Walkers were to make a TV Programme 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of crisp

Women..cars..dont mix. I’m a mechanic by trade, yesterday i had a lady come in asking if we sold extra long dip-sticks…(sticks that tell the oil level in an engine) “Why is that?” i asked, “Just because in my car at the moment, it isnt long enough to reach the oil”…

I’m useless when it comes to talking to women, I get nervous and say the wrong things. For example, I’ll start off by saying, “Hi, I’m Kevin.” Which is weird because my name’s Dave.

“Officer, how can you say I’m riding my quad bike dangerously?” I said. “There’s only four of us on it, as surely you’re not counting the baby?”

Fire safety training in the workplace: In the event of a fire, to help prevent it spreading, please always keep the fire doors shut. Do not leave anything lying around that can fuel the fire. For example: plastic, pieces of wood, paper. I think the fire authorities need to stop making Fire Safety Door’s out […]

Little Johnny was at school when the teacher asked, “Why are the Middle Ages often referred to as the Dark Ages?” Johnny raised his hand and shouted, “Because they had a lot of knights.”

cant wait to this day four weeks ago to watch back to the future.

As I stood there cheering on my horse after jumping 15 fences, he got to the final fence and fell. I was absolutely gutted, I honestly couldn’t believe it. Now I’ve got to pay for the damage, my neighbour is estimating it to be around 600 for the fence and a further 20 for the […]

My father always taught me to take risks…. Today I signed on in my overalls

I met a lady at the bus stop, “So then, getting the bus?” I asked. “Well, what does it look like?” she said angrily. I replied, “Emm, it’s a big blue and white thing with loads of people on it!”

Bonfire Night. Celebrating a failed terrorist attack with lots of little explosions.