Category: stupid

I’ve always wanted to break an egg with one hand and I think I’ve finally cracked it.

I got kicked out of India after I tackled an actress! The authorities didn’t believe me when I said I saw a sniper’s dot on her forehead….

My mate said I have an obsession with hitting inanimate objects. I got so angry I punched him in his stupid, lying kettle.

I’ve taken steps to prevent the midget from next door from peering over the fence while my wife’s sunbathing. His steps to be precise.

I was talking to my mother about my grandfather the other day, “So how did he die?” I asked. “Oh your grandfather?” She said, “he died in action.” She continued, “Where abouts?” I replied. “In the living room,” she said. “He overdid it on Wii Sports”.

If you’re ever thinking about owning up, don’t bother. It’s not as good as Toy Story 3.

My wife always ends her texts with “XOxOXoXo”, I’ve never understood what it meant. Apparently, the “O” means hugs and the “X” means kisses. All these years, I just thought she really liked stock cubes.

I just had a go on the upcoming new Wii, with the screen in the controller. It makes a welcome change from the old one, that usually ended up with a controller in my screen.

My wife came into the living room today and noticed the bloke stood in the middle of the room staring upward while applauding and wolf whistling. “What’s going on?” she asked “It was hot and the guy at B&Q recommended a ceiling fan.”

I’m getting trading standards in to get that pub sign taken down .. ‘All day breakfasts served here’ The landlady refused to make us one when we knocked them up at three this morning.

Some people have such terrible phone manners these days. They’re either shouting, wanting help or crying their eyes out. I always just slam the phone down. I eventually got sacked as a 999 operator.

Anyone knows a bloke called Martin Aston? Found a car key with his name on it.

I must be going mad! I’ve just put my wallet in the fridge instead of my trousers. Lucky thing I noticed, otherwise I’d be going to work wearing trousers at room temperature tomorrow.

Media Studies. Because we can’t all be clever.

“Do you know what the green cross code is son?” “Yeh, Don’t make me angry, you won’t like me when I’m angry.”