Category: school

My PE teacher was a bully who went ballistic just because I couldn’t complete the school cross country run after I pulled a calf. He roared “I DID NOT TELL YOU TO STOP RUNNING!” as he dragged me off the baby cow.

Maths exam question David, John and Steven have twenty coins. They decide to share them out between them. David has two coins, John has two coins and Steven has sixteen. Which one is the Jew?

The teacher says: “If you kids in the last row could be a little bit more quiet like the ones in middle reading comics, then the kids in the front row could sleep much better.”

Last month President Obama made a televised speech from a high school in Arlington, VA, in which he said: “Every single one of you has something that you’re good at […] And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is”. Mr Obama was right, as most of us discovered at the age […]

The school Career’s Adviser is speaking to Johns dad. “Frankly,” he said, “Your son is rude, churlish,vacant with an intelligence level bordering on moronic. On the rare occasions that I can extract a response from him, inevitably it is monosyllabic….. We think he has a great future ahead of him selling trainers in Sports Direct

My results today reflect my mood for the future CBA.

Teacher: Where is your homework? Me: Sorry Sir, my dog ate it. Teacher: But, you homework was to make an abstract object made of razorblades. Me: I know Sir. My dog is dead.

I think using Sickipedia should become part of the school curriculum for 5 – 10 year olds. Okay their innocent little minds will be corrupted and there is also a good chance they would be groomed by a paedophile but at least they would be able to spell properly and have good grammar.

Fake tan: The major threat to trigonometry.

The other day, this lady who works at the local school really went off on one. “Kids of today; they don’t know how easy they’ve got it. They can’t do anything themselves and expect everything handed to them on a plate” To be fair, she is the dinner lady.

When I was in school I was in a science lesson, and it was a quiz. My science teacher asked the questions and we put our hands up and answered them. The question was, “If lots of cells make a tissue, what do lots of tissues make?” To which I replied, “A lonely Friday night?”

The school disco said ‘Cash prize for whoever dresses the most retro.’ So I turned up with just a leaf covering my dangly bits.

“A” level results announced, within 10 minutes the server collapses and everyone’s panicking they won’t get a place.” Don’t worry, McDonald’s have repaired the server and said there’s plenty of jobs for all……

I wish I was 14 again, when I’d leave school with maybe homework and a detention Now when I go near schools, I leave with an erection and a court date.

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom had just started school. A teacher commented to the boy that she couldn’t believe he was already in Year One and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school. “Cartwheels, I think.” he replied…