Category: sayings

I’ve just finished teaching my fourteen year old dog how to suck me off… That kind of blows that old saying up in the air.

I know one day Emile Heskey will do something useful with his boots. And hang them up…

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

My wifes motto is “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” Which might be why her luxury cruise liner business failed.

Things like ‘Better late than never’ are sometimes better left unsaid. Imagine the look on the poor kids face when you coin that phrase at an Ethiopian buffet.

I tried to get my local chippie interested in selling minnows in batter. But he said he had bigger fish to fry.

Why don’t they give out toilet roll in KFC? Beacuse is finger lickin’ good!

You can’t have your cake and eat it. Because you’re a diabetic.

According to the judge “My home is my castle” Wasn’t a viable excuse for pouring the boiling oil out of my upstairs window onto the Jehovah’s witnesses below.

“Church synod allows women bishops ” Puts an all new emphasis on bashing the bishop.

Sky News: ‘Boy found dead in a tumble dryer’ At least Washing Machines live longer with Carl Gone

A wise man once said if you love somebody let them go. I love my wife but looking at her body on the rocks below I’m tending to disagree.

A comedian friend of mine insists on visiting Thailand once a year to let off steam and focus on the essence of comedy. To him, Thai minge is everything.

I’ve just heard that B&Q are going to buy out a now defunct arts and crafts shop. That’ll be a spanner in the works.

“Is it ok to take my clone into the boxing ring to spar with?” “Yeah, knock yourself out.”