Category: sayings

My latest business venture has failed already. I was planning doing women’s bikini lines but I just couldn’t cut the rug.

I’ve just built a new heroin rehabilitation centre. In order to discourage any drug use we store all paraphenalia in hay stacks.

The chief executive of NASA had his wallet stolen near my market stall in the East End of London today. I gave him 20 to stick in his sky rocket.

I’d be more optimistic if I thought it would help.

My motto is: “Always be yourself and never someone else.” Strange that I never made it as an actor though.

Whoever said anything is possible, obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

They say, if you stare into a mirror without blinking eventually you will see the devil. I find it works just as well, looking at a picture of my wife.

Alchtruism : when you’re overly kind and generous because you’re drunk

I take everything with a grain of salt. Not because I’m skeptic, I just have a severe sodium addiction.

I let the cat out the bag earlier, just to tease it though, it still wasn’t getting out the pool with concrete around its legs.

My mates found out I was still playing with my A-Team figurines and started chucking them in the fire for laughs. I tried saving Face,but to no avail.

I tend to agree with my wife’s gut instinct. It’s a big enough gut, so she’s usually right.

I’ve seen an Ethiopian on TV eating a full bowl of rice. Bless him. His eyes are bigger than his belly.

A plausible excuse for the bruises a day keeps the doctor and social services away.

I call my wife Medusa. Every time I look at her I want to get stoned.