Category: sayings

They say money is the root of all evil. Well that’s not true. Because if I was a millionaire I wouldn’t need to rob a bank.

I recently opened a shop specialising in Hot Cakes and my friend came in today and said, “It’s quiet in here, how’s business?” I replied, “I can’t understand it, they’re simply not selling.”

I havent got any skeletons in my closet. I prefer to preserve my victims in formaldehyde.

My pompous neighbour once said “War is never the answer” So I asked him “What is a state of armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state?”

The unimaginable: you couldn’t make it up.

My wife and I got in a huge argument when she told me to stop living in the past. This is the worst Christmas eve ever.

I’ve just got back from a culinary course in Amsterdam. I was absolutely disgusted with the Dutch method of cooking.

I was in a pub earlier and there was a topless woman behind the bar. “I’m the new spirits dispenser,” she said, “If I squeeze my left breast you get a shot of vodka.” I said, “Pull the other one, it’s got Bells on it.”

There never was a better day for my business flogging dead horses. Than having my 2 for 1 offer at Newbury yesterday.

I’ve decided to dedicate all my time to making my wife the happiest girl alive. It’s not that I love her; I just enjoy killing women.

My mate asked, “What would you say would happen if you walked into the barbers and realised you had forgotten your wallet?” I replied, “Hmmmm, nothing, off the top of my head.”

I walked into the kitchen and my missus and all her friends were crying their eyes out, As I looked down to the floor I saw there was milk everywhere. I thought, whats the point?

Here’s hoping I never get any splinters. Touch wood.

I went on a date tonight, she turned up well over dressed. Clothes on.

If Winston Churchill were alive today, I wonder what he would make of British Bankers? “Never have so few taken so much from so many.”