Category: sayings

I got pulled over by a policeman for doing 40 in a 30 zone. “Sir, I’m afraid that’s a 60 fine and 3 points on your licence,” he said. “Oh, for crying out loud!” “No, for speeding.”

I went out last night and ended up getting arrested for vandalism. All I wanted to do was paint the town red.

My father always said neither a borrower nor a lender be. That’s why he was fired from the mortgage department at Natwest.

Those people who say that a short sharp shock treatment, will often do you some good …. Obviously haven’t been mugged by a pigmy, armed with a knife and taser gun.

If I had a pound for everytime someone started a sentence with, ‘If I had a pound for everytime’. I’d have enough pounds to give everyone who started a sentence with, ‘If I had a pound for everytime’, a pound.

Dwarves are often born with an extra toe. It’s a little gnome fact.

Most people think that camouflage is the most effective type of army uniform. Personally, I can’t see it myself.

My parents told me the truth last night, it wasn’t curiosity that killed my cat, it was lung cancer.

They say curiosity killed the cat… but really I think it was my knife that did it.

Parents should dress their kids more sensibly for Halloween. It was too late to see, when I knocked over this lad dressed as the grim reaper. I managed to drag his crumpled body in front of the fire and rang the emergency services.. ‘What’s he looking like?’ asked the switchboard … ‘I’m no expert but […]

Behind every successful man there is a woman. Desperately trying to think of a way to take the credit.

My Mum always said to me “It’s not about how many times you fall off the horse, it’s about how many times you get back on” Try telling that to Christopher Reeve.

I hosted a dinner party last night and so I hired three chefs to help with the cooking. All of the food was absolutely delicious, except the broth which was a little flavourless.

The postman mistakenly pushed a copy of Relativity magazine through my door the other day. I shouted after him, “Excuse me! I don’t subscribe to this theory.”

Last month was the worst ever for my pogo stick business. Hope we can bounce back this month.