Category: sayings

I used to be lazy, but that all changed when I stepped in a pool of glue I’ve been working my socks off ever since.

Despite constant warnings, no one has never met anyone who has had their arm broken by a swan

“Bye, take care.” I’m glad you said that ’cause I was planning on driving home blind folded.

You scratch my back and I’ll… probably have to lay low til the police conclude their DNA profiling.

before the drawingboard was invented, what did they go back to?

I was at death’s door last night. I said, “Could I interest you in our fantastic range of double glazing, Mr Reaper?”

My nan always warned I should be “wary of all men because they only want one thing.” Even though I’ve been married for over a year, I still can’t get the image of grandad holding a remote control out of my head.

Behind every great man is his woman. Behind every great woman is me with a mask and a knife.

Doctor doctor I think I’m addicted to looting. Take a seat.

I’m hoping for a North v South Korea World Cup Final. Though whoever loses will be as sick as a halftime snack.

There’s a guy pops into my place of work every week and announces he’s going to test the fire alarm. I don’t know him but his face rings a bell.

You’re about as much use as an ejector seat in a helicopter.

How do you get a fat policewoman into bed? PC cake

My wife accused me of being self-important. I nearly fell off my throne.

Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.