Category: sarcasm

What is the most powerful anti-depressant available? Divorce.

My mate just asked, “Have you ever ridden in a hot air balloon?” I said, “No, I’d rather ride in the basket underneath, it’s much safer!”

13 July. 1985 Live Aid. An amazing concert, an incredible achievement, finally solving Africa’s problems once and for all.

The news this week must be focusing on all those people who live in houses with no doors and windows. If your one of those people and just incase you dont know, its been snowing and everyone is been pathetic about it.

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, “Waterloo, mate.” He said, “The station?” “Well, I’m a bit late for the battle.”

I feel so sorry for the parents of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman. I mean, having your daughter brutally murdered in a school caretaker’s bathroom is one thing. But I don’t know how they’ll ever find the strength to come to terms with finding out that a journalist has listened to their voicemail.

What is the most common way to end your life? Get married.

I was reading through a fashion magazine and one of the pages said, “Winter’s coming up, find out what’s hot this season!” I thought, “Radiators.”

Had quite a nasty crash this morning. Thankfully however im not a woman so I just turned the computer off and back on again and everything was fine

I was licking out my girlfriend the other night when i suddenly thought “hmm.. tastes like mums”

Where do yahoo get their headlines from? I just read “Dutch among lowest cannabis users in Europe…” What tomorrow? “America has the lowest BMI on the planet…” “Britain has the least migrants in the world…” “Muslim women catch the most sun…” The mind boggles!

Women, I wish to thank you for placing those “Child On Board” stickers in the back of your cars, as they obviously make me realise that I value the life of your child far greater than I do of my own life. Before you started doing this, I simply slowed my own vehicle down by […]

My mate just texted me saying, “I wanna read a book. Wat wud you recommend?” “The Oxford English Dictionary” I replied.

“Ancestry.com – Who will you discover?” My ancestors?

My wife giggled when I said, “I’ve got something for you!” Her mood turned when I spat in her face and said, “Contempt”.