Category: puns

I met my new girlfriend at a Car Boot sale. We were both selling bundles of Bingo equipment. It turned out we had a lot in common.

Starbucks are going to begin selling branded trousers. They’re starting with Kappa chinos.

A man runs into a bank waving a tree branch above his head. “This is a stick up!” he yells.

I was watching a video of the troops fighting in the WW1 Trenches. Just as they were about to leave the trench and storm the enemy, they all started screaming and jumping about. I thought “They’re going over the top”

A mate told me “you are what you eat”. That does explain why I’m scared all the time…

“Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.” – anonymous

Some Indian bloke has taken to running round my hometown recently, fighting crime and jumping from building to building. He calls himself Batnaan.

I went to sleep with one eye open. I didn’t sleep a wink

My wife said, “I want Champagne, no wait I actually want Rose. Forget that I’ll have Chardonnay.” I said, “Stop wining.”

If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia

I’d tell you that joke about a bottomless pit but it never ends.

I pity the man who has to wash nuns clothes. He’s picking up a dirty habit.

How many people are addicted to drugs in the US? You do the meth.

My girlfriend came up to me in floods of tears, and said “I’ve got bad news, I missed my period” “Shoulda recorded it then” I said.

I’m so cold I can’t tell which of my digits is number.