Category: puns

When working in a team Im like an anorexic paedophile. I always try to pull my weight.

I was flicking through the channels earlier when I found ‘GodTV’. I then tried to find The Atheist Channel, but it turned out it didn’t exist.

A zombie looked at me straight in the eyes. He was dead serious.

My football team just signed a morbidly-obese winger. It’s important to have a wide man.

Contact lenses are easy to lose, so keep your eyes on them.

Heard about the dentist that started on the manicurist? They fought tooth and nail.

My wife bought me an extremely tall lamp from the shops, it was the highlight of my day.

What do you call a vicar on a motorbike? Rev

I saw an ex Man United player eating an entire pack of haribo by himself. He wasn’t Sheringham.

I’ve just returned from taking the kids to see Toy Story 3. We didn’t manage to get in, apparently goats aren’t allowed in cinemas.

“You’ve got odd socks on.” “No, I’m wearing two.”

My mate said the drink I bought him tasted funny. It was a cheap shot.

My Aunt said to me: “Your cousin is only a year old and he’s been walking for 6 months.” I thought: “Really? He must be very tired.”

I threatened my caterpillar farm that I would turn them into soup. But they managed to wriggle their way out of it.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.