Category: puns

I went to the pub earlier. They had a new real ale on called Whitbread. I ordered a pint of it and went to the toilet. When I came back and tasted it, it was repulsive. I said to the barman, “this is rank mate, what’s wrong with it?” he replied, “that big black woman […]

I am handsome, but this characteristic of mine disappears due to light.

I was in Tesco’s earlier, and I met a really stunning blonde lady. She had a great figure with curves in all the right places, so I invited her back to mine to look at my stamp collection. “Philately will get you nowhere”, she said.

I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder.

The wife had a go at me earlier, telling me I shouldn’t keep toffees in the same pocket as my antique pistols. I stuck to my guns.

I went to a party for meteorologists yesterday. Lovely atmosphere.

I worked as a poolboy at a nudist colony but had to quit as it was too hard

I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

Anyone want to buy some bargain tail lights? Before you ask… yes, I got them off the back of a lorry.

Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs

My blind friend has started keeping a diary. Soon everyone will know his secrets, the writing’s on the wall.

What do dentist’s call x-rays? Tooth pics

My uncle slipped on some beans last week. If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

I nailed the fat chick next door last night. No-one needs to know about it though. So long as I hide the hammer.

I’ve just taken a quick nibble at my juicy Granny Smith. I think I’ll reward myself with an apple.