Category: professions

I went to the doctor’s today and he gave me six months to live. He told me I should do something I’ve always wanted to do. Luckily for me I’ve always wanted to live to 100.

My doctor told me that I’m in desperate need of an enema. Douche.

If it’s a crime to impersonate a policeman… should community support wardens be arrested?

Does anyone else just dread meeting their girlfriend’s parents for the first time? It’s always stuffy, uncomfortable and unbearably awkward. I hate police stations.

I met this really hot girl in the pub last week and I’ve been trying to get her to go out with me. I don’t think the feelings are mutual though. Last night she said, “That’s him officer.”

I applied for a job at my local benefits office and accidentally sent the wrong CV. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

“I know what you’re thinking: did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself but, being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: do I feel lucky? Well, […]

If I owned an opticians, I’d have them do the shop sign in a blurred font.

I said to my doctor, “I’ve got a problem, everybody I look at resembles an elephant”. He said, “Really? Carry on, I’m all ears”.

Got put in the psychiatric ward yesterday so I told them I was a sticky substance and I got discharged

My local magician can slow his heartbeat down until it stops. But, to tell the truth, he only managed to pull it off once.

Man walks into a doctors. “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got no ventricles,” he said half-heartedly.

I asked my son what makes him think he’ll be a good sound engineer when he’s older. He said “because I want to, want to.” I have to admit, he sounds like a natural.

I am highly offended that the police are blaming the recent nights riots on a certain ethnic group. Just because they couldn’t see the perpetrators at night doesn’t mean they were black

I committed the perfect crime: I stopped paying my psychiatrist. He took me to court and I pleaded insanity.