Category: professions

FOR SALE : Crystal Ball ….Can’t see the future in keeping it.

I HATE it when people don’t play by the rules! Yesterday I called “shotgun” and the police still chucked me in the back!

The Chelsea board. The Metropolitan Police. A lady with an itchy crotch. They all regret going for that Brazilian.

I went to the Doctors for a check up as I was recovering from a virus. I said to the Doctor “I hate foreign bodies” He said “Fortunately for you, your white blood cells have almost fought them all off” From his response, I think we were on a totally different wave length.

When I was little, we used to play a game called “knock and run” where you knock on someone’s door and run away before they answered. Nowadays, it’s known as “Parcelforce”

Quasimodo retired last week. He got two years back pay and a lump sum.

I threw a party for my friend after he got his first job as a postman, unfortunately he never arrived, turns out he turned up at the wrong address three days late…

A man goes to see a Psychiatrist. ‘ I had the worst dream of my life last night.I dreamt I was dancing with twelve of the most beautiful girls in the world, ‘ said the man. ‘ What was so bad about that, ‘ asked the Psychiatrist. ‘ I was the third girl from the […]

An Oxford University maths professor has been beaten to death by a colleague. I bet he used a 2 by 4.

A guy was fixing a hot girl’s washing machine and when he was done, she decided to try to get it cheap, so she asked: “shall I give you 50 quid or shall I take my pants off.”. The guy thought for a second and answered: “better give me the money, I doubt your pants […]

When people ask me what I do I tell them I am a ‘high stakes investor’ with William Hill. It sounds more respectable than ‘gambling addict’.

I went to the doctors yesterday complaining of a sore spine He asked me when i first felt any pain I told him about a week back

“police take part in crime webchat” Well, if you can’t beat them, join them!

My maths teacher is so politically correct, he always names the people in the questions properly. Look here’s an example: Jamal and Mohammed decide to split the plane tickets in the ratio 45:55. Simplify this as far as possible.

I don’t understand why the police take months to find kidnappers of young children. The moment it’s announced, half of Sickipedia know which user is holding them. (Which reminds me, who’s turn was it to have Maddie this week?)