Category: professions

My wife said, “Dear, your psychologist rang, you missed your appointment today”. I said, “Tell him he’s sacked.” “and ask him how he feels about it”.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help. On his next visit the doctor gave him an injection, but that didn’t do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot […]

What’s the difference between George Sampson and London coppers? At least when George Sampson beat two Muslims he did it on live TV

Doctor: I’m sorry, but you’re just too ugly for plastic surgery. I suggest wearing a plastic bag over your head. Patient: Um don’t you mean a paper bag…? Doctor: Maybe I didn’t emphasize how ugly you are…

‘Doctor Doctor! I keep seeing into the future’ ‘And when did this start?’ ‘Next tuesday afternoon’

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client […]

On a construction site there was a heated debate among craftsmen which would be the oldest profession on earth: Mason: -We are the oldest craftsmen, who do you think builded the pyramids and temples thousands of years ago …… Painter: -Oh I don’t think so, since the days when people lived in caves the walls […]

I made an appointment with my private doctor claiming I had the symptoms of amnesia. He made me pay in advance.

I went to the doctor today and said, “Every time I close my eyes I see pink striped tigers.” “Have you seen a psychiatrist?” he asked. “No,” I replied, “just pink striped tigers.”

Newsflash!!! Police have arrested a man for selling pills that will give you eternal youth. Records show that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

I dropped some coppers yesterday. They won’t be knocking on my door again.

I’ve just been fined for jaywalking. Although, the police are calling it “public use of cannabis.”

So this vehicle with blue flashing lights and a loud tune sped right past me today. I thought to myself “He won’t sell many ice creams driving that fast”.

People are always so thankful to doctor’s for being the part of society that cures people, but really each time I visit a doctor, all that happens is that he slightly delays my death.

So Britain’s most senior black Police officer, Ali Dizaei, has been found guilty of corruption after stabbing himself twice in an attempt to frame someone he’d had a row with. He’s just a rascal, Dizaei rascal…