Category: people

1st Brummie: – “Have you seen The Voice?” 2nd Brummie: – “Course I ‘ave, it’s on the bench in me shed next to me woodworking tools.

I can tell whether someone likes strangers staring at them or not just by looking at them.

Generalizing works for most people.

I don’t get it, how can all these girls get away with ” Ooo I’d do bad things to One Direction”… Yet I get frowned upon when I say Maddie McCann would get it.

I’m so good at staring contests I could beat you with my eyes closed.

My ex girlfriend asked me if I was any good at hiding. That was the last time she ever saw me again.

Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I’m sober. Sober people when I’m drunk.

Sometimes I think humanity will survive as a species for years and years. Other times I watch come dine with me

Statistically, 22/7 Americans love Pie.

In a recent drive towards “customer service” the National Health Service now wants to call people ‘clients’ and patients ‘customers.’ As usual, they’ve missed a golden opportunity – to rename the salad-dodging jumbos at the obesity clinic ‘consumers.’

I hate private jokes, they really exclude everyone Like when Jamie stole that sofa off a pick-up truck

I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights and save the environment. The last time I did that I ran over a cyclist.

Apparently we have become a dumber race since the Egyptians were around. Well I’ve got three words for them! The internet!

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

You just know a girl is fat when you ask “what’s your best feature?” and they reply “my curves”