Category: one liner

My ex-wife can’t stop beating herself up about the fact I got to keep the voodoo doll of her in the divorce settlement.

Well it’s that time of the week where I go robbing houses in Liverpool. See you all later.

I bite my nails, and it’s really starting to hurt my teeth. I should probably take my shoes off really.

I went on a cycling holiday recently, and it was exhausting. I need to get a smaller caravan.

Hit a child at 70. And there’s a 90% chance it’s because it stole your Worther’s Originals.

I have three jokes to post about a jewel, a lettuce and some sweets, but I might save those gems for later.

The teacher asked, ” Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?” “Well,” one alert pupil answered, “the days are much longer in summer.

Im a perverted, diabetic, dyslexic, so I cant eat knickers.

Amputees- they need a shoulder to cry on

I think the guy who came up with the ‘A B C D E F G U’ grading system failed English.

“It’s not size that matters it’s what you do with it that counts” i said to my girlfriend as i stabbed her with my 3 inch knife.

Roses are purple, Violets are purple, I have purple paint and I like purple.

Googlemail just sent me an email saying I might be having problems receiving emails. Well that’s clearly not right.

All in all… it was a good orgy.

My dad once said to me, “Don’t quote other people’s advice.”