Category: money

I saved a life today. I asked a tramp, “How will you feel if I give you 100 dollars?” He replied, “I’ll die of happiness.” So I didn’t give it to him.

I can’t believe I was such a mug in my younger days. If only I’d taken PPI insurance on all my loans and credit cards, I reckon I’d be a millionaire by now.

I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I’ve just about got enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.

A guy who lives down the road from me was selling his car, he said he wanted 800 for it or he’d take the nearest offer. So I stood right next to him and offered him a tenner.

My wife told me if she ever won the Lottery she wouldn’t give me a penny and she’d move out of the country. Little does she know I’ve been using the same numbers as her for 5 years. That’ll wipe the smile off her fat face

I put on my favorite winter jacket for the first time the other day, and as soon as I put my hands in those pockets, I was immediately reminded that last year I didn’t have any money, either.

If I had a pound for every business I’ve failed at, I could afford to start a beanstalk farm.

Women are like bank accounts, heavily in the red every month!

I always leave the price stickers on the presents I buy from the pound shop to show people how little they mean to me.

I spent my life’s savings on a disused goldmine. My friends keep having a dig.

I hope that Scotland wins the vote on independence. As long as it means not having to accept their stupid monopoly money over here anymore.

When they offer you “instant credit”, don’t they really mean “instant debt”?”

I like to show off my wealth. By not putting the trolley back at asda to get my pound.

Money is not the most important thing in the world, love is. Fortunately, I love money.

I just spent an absolute fortune on books advising me on how to save money…