Category: modern life

Walked past a bin yesterday it said “blue fish only swim in shark infested waters in the winter snow” It was talking rubbish

Whenever the window cleaners come, I like to pretend they are intruders scaling the walls, and my house is under attack. Although pouring boiling tar over them from the balcony was possibly taking it too far

My mother-in-laws brand new wheelchair has far too many moving parts for my liking. Her heart & lungs for example.

A woman would ask, “Does this bag match these shoes?” While a man would ask, “Does my left shoe match my right shoe?”

Parkour: Running away for show-offs

I’ve just found out the best way to remember my wedding anniversary. Simply forget it ONCE!

Does anybody else become irrationally scared and reluctant to answer calls from a withheld number and then spend half of the day wondering who it was and what they wanted?

My granny told me what it used to be like at the seaside. “There was a laughing sailor machine. You put your money in and you didn’t win anything or get a refund, it just laughed at you. There’s nothing like that these days.” I said, “Yes there is – it’s called the lottery.”

It was no good, the judge had made his mind up. “Please, you don’t understand. I have six children and a wife. I can’t go back in there, it’ll kill me,” I pleaded. “I’m sorry, Mr. Smith,” the judge replied, “but you have served your time and you are now a free man.”

The NSPCC profile pic campaign – anyone else think it’s gonna backfire when 11 year olds realise it’s not actually Pikachu they’re agreed to meet through facebook?

Three words every man dreads to hear from a women. There’s no bread.

After months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend’s iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it. Turns out the definition wasn’t high enough.

I’ve just moved into a converted pig sty. It was a really nice place before I arrived.

epileptic fits. a great way of breaking awkward silences

My wife is an awful lot like my alarm clock, When I hit her, she stops making noise.