Category: misunderstanding

It’s not like I killed her. If anything she should be thanking me! At least now she can park anywhere she wants.

“I’m taking the missus to see Dr Hook at the weekend.” “Blimey.. I didn’t know they were still going.” “What? Oh, not the rock group… It’s what I call the guy who works at the Abortion Clinic.

Two Geordie flies in a butchers shop window. One says to the other, “Fancy a walk in the pork?”

Susie is down on her luck with nothing but a fiver to her name, so she goes into the supermarket and buys two eggs and a bottle of ketchup. As she is leaving, she stumbles and drops the lot on the concrete path. With nothing to eat, she sits down on a bench and starts […]

I went for a job interview today and the interviewer asked me what my current status was “Great night out with the lads” I replied

Diving into the jacuzzi always lands me in hot water.

I stood up in the pub and drunkenly shouted out, ” I’m off home to try some auto erotic asphyxiation.” My wife said,” Belt up will ya!” Silly cow, that’s not how you do it.

My mate said, “lets go out tonight and tear up the dance floor…” Shows how out of touch with the times I am, I turned up with my jackhammer.

I saw a leaflet that said, ‘Smoke free in 30 days.’ That sounds like a good deal, I’m sick of paying for them.

I was stood in the bookies watching a race when my mate appeared at my side and said, ” I’ve got prostate cancer.” I said, ” That’s a shame, I think it fell at the first.”

“I’m going on safari in Africa.” “Kenya?” “Course I can. What’s to stop me?”

Since signing up for a dating website with the username ‘one inch from the floor’, I’ve had thousands of interested women. I had no idea my amateur levitation skills would be so attractive.

Coffee is for Cups See, just doesn’t have the same effect does it?

My mate must have more money than he lets on. Only last week he put petrol in his car and tonight he reckons he put the heating on for a bit ‘cos he was ‘feeling the cold’!

My heart skipped a beat when I heard that Kim Kardashian wants a quickie. Not that I’d stand a chance, but I was still disappointed to hear that she meant a divorce.