Category: misunderstanding

I asked my new girlfriend to tell me where all her erogenous zones were. “Why do you want to know that?” she asked. “Just so we can start off on the right foot,” I said. “I definitely haven’t got one there,” she said.

I just heard that a guy immolated himself to protest China’s refusal to free Tibet. How’s impersonating a mole going to help?

My wife asked me, seeing as I am a bit of a joker could I provide some light humour at one of her dinner parties. I agreed and stood there flicking the switch on and off for half hour.

My friend rang me yesterday, she was in hysterics. She’s broken three nails already this week. I think she needs a new hammer.

All the blokes in the office today were talking excitedly about some sort of ‘special day’, but I didn’t have a clue. I wasn’t bothered anyway. Mum just text me saying she’s making steak for tea and that she’s got me a surprise for later!

An attractive woman came into my bank today with financial issues. “I really want to get you alone” I smirked, as I told her to follow me. But after I took her out back and started to feel her up, I realised she was just looking for a loan.

My friends and I were sat chatting about women and what size clothes they wear. “I prefer my women in a size ten” said one guy. “oh, I like a nice comfy 14, what about you?” another asked me, “I like age 8/9”. Was my reply. I was asked to leave.

On my first day of work the boss said, “If you have any problems, come to my office and let me know.” He was shocked when I popped in shortly after to show him my Genital Warts.

I took my first serious girlfriend on a caravan camping trip to Devon last week, we found this really nice spot in a field near the beach. After a long journey, we both went and sat on the bed. “I love coming here” I said “I could tell by the amount of crusty tissues under […]

I was having a bit of trouble with my sleeping arrangements at Glastonbury. When a fit bird dressed in hot pants came over. She asked, “Is this the first time you’ve pitched a tent?” I said, “No love, it happens everytime I see a girl in hotpants.”

I opened a carton of drinking chocolate that had been sat in the cupboard for a few months. I couldn’t believe it when I saw inside was full of tiny tents around a miniature campfire! I looked on the side of the label to find a phone number so I could complain when I noticed […]

My Arabic wife was really stressed out from work and wanted try to get stoned one night. So I took her back to Iran and accused her of cheating on me.

I don’t get kids today, I mean it’s good they’ve noticed I’ve have my drive re-tarred but do they have to shout it at me when I’m polishing my Prius?

The other week I went to a National Birds of Prey centre and saw a variety of hawks, eagles and owls.When we left my girlfriend asked me which bird was my favourite. I said “The one with the mini skirt and nice cleavage” I’m now single

While in the pub talking to my mate I said to him “Last night was awfull, I had a slight tickle in my throat but I couldn’t cough incase I woke the missus” “Sounds like you’re under the thumb, mate” he said. I replied “Oh nothing like that, I had the tele on mute while […]