Category: misunderstanding

Someone tried selling me a copy of the big issue the other day. I said ‘No thanks, this shoe fits fine’.

I went out last night and when I entered the first establishment of the night I noticed right away a beautiful girl across the floor. And she was dressed up in a uniform, saucy. After waiting for a few minutes nervously I realised it was about time I approached her. So I walked across, smiled […]

“I’m going to Marks and Spencers love” I shouted to my wife upstairs. “Ok, see you later” she said. Having friends with names of a popular retailer is really handy.

I took my new puppy for his first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere. Probably should have started him on something weaker than Sambuca.

I was in an old Edinburgh boozer when the barman asked: “What’ll it be, son?” I replied: “Lothian’s finest Scotch, double.” Imagine my dismay when The Proclaimers wondered in, guitars and all.

What’s black and will kill you if it gets in your eye? A taxi.

The wife had a miscarriage, so i took her to the hospital for a routine check-up. Sat down next to another distressed looking woman and simply asked ‘miscarriage?’ ‘Yeah, this is my second one now’ she replied with a tear in her eye. ‘oh…….my wife isn’t that careless.’ Wasn’t the response she wanted to hear.

Someone who says they’re 99.9 percent sure is really not sure at all.

The whole family is at the zoo when suddenly Little Susie calls out: “Look, Mummy! That monkey looks just like Granddad.” “Shhh,” whispers Susie’s mother, glancing over at her father-in-law standing a few yards away. “Don’t say things like that in such a loud voice.” “Don’t worry,” says Little Susie, “the monkey can’t understand us.”

Malt whisky is ‘a good investment’, financial advisors say. Nonsense. I invested in a truckload of the stuff years ago, and all I’ve got to show for it now is terminal cirrhosis.

My wife said seeing as it’s hot she wants a cool bath. So I’ve put a rubber duck in it, how cool’s that?

I accused my wife of faking it last night, and I was right. She wasn’t sleeping.

As usual, I’ve secured the biggest bargains on deadline day. A packet of broken biscuits & a barely-expired tin of Lilt for 37p.

Just put my mobile in to Airplane mode and it told me not to call it Shirley

BBC NEWS: Brave Laura Robson undone by super Maria Sharapova I wished.