Category: misunderstanding

I had a call today saying my son’s purple motorbike had been involved in a fatal collision. I knew it was absolute rubbish; my son rides violet coloured motorbike.

As my father was lying in his hospital bed, attached to a life support machine in pain and heartache he said to me: ”I can’t stand another day of this” ‘What do you mean? You’ll be able to cope” I painstakingly replied. ”I dont think I can go on, this is like torture!, Listen son, […]

I don’t understand why everyone seems to blame me for the death of that sword swallower- he told us not to touch him during his act, he never said anything about waving a magnet in front of his neck.

I went to visit my parents today for the first time in a while. “How’s it going, Mum?” I asked. “Couldn’t be better,” she said. “And this may come as quite a shock to you, but we’re having a baby.” “That is quite a shock,” I replied. “But if Dad’s fine, I’m up for it.”

I rang my solicitors up yesterday ‘Murphy, Murphy, Murphy and Murphy’ I said to the man on the other end “Can I speak to Mr Murphy please?” He said “Sorry, he’s with another client at the moment” So I asked “Please can I speak to Mr Murphy?” To which he replied “I’m sorry he’s just […]

My girlfriend asked me to say something dirty to her in bed the other night. Apparently “make like my fungal infection and spread” isn’t what she had in mind.

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said where’s this stemming from petal?

Johnson’s ‘No more tears’ baby shampoo is a total swizz – it took some pulling, but we still managed to tear ours in half.

My wifes lost a bit of weight. My jeans are too loose now! she exclaimed What do you think, fatty? I gave her a belt.

My french neighbour and I got talking, she said “I grab ‘appiness whenever possible.” Sounds like my kind of slag.

BBC News: UK troops to pull out of Sangin. Well that must be a relief for Sangin, whoever she is.

The Wife Said She Was Leaving Me To Become A Hooker… I Wonder What Rugby Team She’s Gonna Play For?

Argos are having their biggest ever furniture sale. I just bought a 20 foot long sofa.

I said to my wife this morning, “I don’t think we should have turkey for Christmas this year, I think it’s too dry.” “I know what you mean,” she replied. “If it starts to rain, then shall we have it?”

I was walking through town today and a tramp said to me, “Hi mate. Have you got any loose change?” I jingled my pocket and said, “No, it’s all nice and secure.”