Category: misunderstanding

I was lying on the couch watching TV earlier, when my 10 year old boy came up to me and said, “Dad! I really want to do the father-son sports day at school tomorrow.” I laughed at him and said, “Aww Matthew that’s so sweet. But you don’t have a son.”

Whenever I’m asked who the man of the match is, my answer is always the same. Lowry.

I’m never getting one of those Multi Vehicles. Have you seen how many of them have accidents on the Motorway?

I started karate for beginners today. I walked through the door and said, “Hiya” The instructor said, “You want karate for intermediates. Next door, mate”

Just started the coast to coast bike ride – there were a few false starts thanks to a guy with an overenthusiastic starting pistol, but we got off in the end..

I was playing Call Of Duty on Xbox when my mum walked in. “I’m sick of you staying indoors all the time.” she moaned. “I have a good excuse,” I replied, “This particular building is a great vantage point to kill off unsuspecting noobs.”

I bought a bag of compost from my local B & Q, and when I got home I was shocked to discover the label said, “With Added John Innes”. The local police don’t even seem to want to know.

The Wife rang me Earlier “Its Ash Wednesday, do you want Fish Fingers later?” “No” I replied “Can you have a shower first”

I’d stupidly let slip that I’d got a special treat for the wife’s birthday and we were to go diving. Well out came her credit card and she had to have the very best.. pink wetsuit, pink snorkel, pink flippers. Still they didn’t do her much good in the end. When the plane door opened.

A colleague at work was moaning earlier about how good his mate was at pulling. “I know the feeling, I’ve got a mate just like that” I said. “Is he good looking?” he asked. “Not really” I replied, “He’s a dentist.”

My dealer said we need to start doing business on the down low and try and take some of the heat away. So now I lie on the floor selling crack with all of the windows open.

I met a gorgeous girl at a club last night. After a few drinks we got to know each other quite well. At the end of the night, instead of exchanging numbers, she said “Facebook me”, and smiled.} So I hit her in the eye with my Oxford Pocket Dictionary.

My wife was about to walk out the door with her bags when I said, “Please darling, give me one more chance. I promise to do all the housework from now on, I’ll cook your dinner every night and even pleasure you every night without wanting anything in return.” “Are you going to start this […]

We stopped at one of those ‘Pick your Own’ farms today and were allowed to fill a basket for five pounds. Bargain. Even if it did take us 4 hours to chop that cow up.

All the emergency exits at work have got signs saying “Fire Door – Keep Shut” on them. They’d be useless if we ever had to evacuate the building.