Category: misunderstanding

My friend has this gorgeous woman working as his maid. She’s deaf, but really good at lip reading. Well, I’ve been trying to woo her so I figured I’d offer to help with the housework, but she just got offended. All I did was ask if she’d like me to vacuum.

After explaining my problem about having a tight foreskin to my wife’s friend, he nodded. ” It sounds like you need to see a Doctor,” he said. “What?” I replied. “Claire told me you were a Doctor.” “I am,” he said, “but I’m afraid a Doctor of Philosophy can’t really help on this one.”

I was stood in church this morning when an old lady walked past “Its nice out” she said I thought she had a point, but when i got it out, the vicar asked me to leave!

I suspected my girlfriend of cheating, and my worst fears were confirmed. I received a text saying she wanted to see other people. But I soon realised I had nothing to worry about when I received another text 2 minutes later saying “Sorry babe, that text wasn’t meant for you.”

I was chatting to a girl in the pub last night. Chancing my arm, I said, “I’ve got millions in the bank, sleep with me and I’ll share some of it with you.” Amazingly she agreed. After making love to her back at my place, she was stood at the side of the bed looking […]

My mates think it’s great when I tell them my wife’s a goer. It’s not though. She always comes back.

I heard the ice cream van in the street, the wife jumped up and said “My treat! What do you fancy?” I glanced out of the window then replied “The little blonde with pigtails please”

I don’t know why all the local kids insist on calling me a batty man when I’m out jogging; I haven’t even got any wings.

My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so. My wife however, wants to keep it forever.

I just drove past a sign that said “Watch for blind children”. That is very cruel. What next, headphones for deaf kids?

I’ve just reconditioned an old car It took thirty bottles of head and shoulders.

Bought some flowers home for the wife who isn’t so well yesterday.She was reduced to tears,Didn’t have the heart to tell her they were for the funeral.

I was outside the school, eating a Twix, when I said to a small group of girls “Anyone fancy a finger?” And that your honour, is why it was consensual.

just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that “real” hippos don’t actually eat marbles?

I’m a gentleman. Just this morning, I held a gate open for an old lady. I think she said thank you, but I couldn’t hear because there was an alarm going off somewhere. Anyway, when I turned round, she’d gone. She must have jumped on the train that was speeding past.