Category: misunderstanding

I recently moved to Spain, which is an hour ahead of Britain thanks to Central European Time. I’ve brought my British satellite decoder with me, so I’m going to clean up betting on the football matches back home.

Wife: I don’t know what to get for stocking fillers. Me: Feet?

My mate was telling me about how he lost his virginity in a ford focus… I lost mine in an escort.

The barman said to me, “Good evening, Sir, what can I get for you?” “I’ll have a shot of everything on the top row please”, I replied. He got my drinks and tried to charge me 100. I said, “I thought you were getting them.”

I got my girlfriend a ring with a carrot on for her birthday. She wanted 24 carrots but that just looked stupid.

I wish my doctor would make his mind up. One visit he tells me I urgently need to give up junk food, the next he’s telling me I urgently need a doner.

I saw an old lady who had dropped her purse. She tried so hard bending over to pick it up when she saw me and asked “excuse me young man, would you mind?” Without hesitating I said “Of course”, put my hands behind her head and forced her to bend all the way down.

After examining the wife thoroughly, the doctor said: “Come back in three weeks and bring your faeces, please.” Three weeks later, I was dropping her off at the doctor’s just before her appointment: “Well, good luck, Babe,” I said. “I’m sure everything’ll be fine. By the way, what’s in the suitcases?”

There’s a poster at the bus stop across my street that says, “Keep Calm and Carry On”. I don’t think I’ve seen that one. I wonder if Sid James is in it?

A guy goes up to a kiosk: “I need something for a cough.” “Tipped, non-tipped or roll-ups?”

My wife wasn’t to happy when I gave her the letter I wrote for her birthday that she wanted. It was Y.

My wife was in tears after the death of her mum. “Sweetheart, is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” I asked. “Just comfort me,” She said sobbing. “Okay,” I replied,” Here’s some pillows for your head, I’m off down the pub for quiz night with the lads.”

“Come on in,” I said to the neighbour at the front door. “I’d rather not,” she said, “I’ve got dirty feet.” “That doesn’t matter,” I said. “You can keep your shoes on.”

My boss keeps telling me to “pull my socks up”. I hope he stops saying it, they’re past my knees now and I’m walking like a spaz.

“Don’t stand, don’t stand so Don’t stand so close to me” “Sting?” My wife asked “No you stink” I snapped.