Category: misunderstanding

I just went to the shop and brought Flora light. Now I can see my margerine in the dark.

To earn some extra money this weekend I went stripping in a pub. I turned up wearing a cowboy hat, leather chaps and a sequined thong. I had a great time, although there was some funny looks from the other painters doing the refurbishment.

I think my wifes starting to suspect my covert surveillance of her movements. She thinks she’s got a stomach bug.

I was doing a crossword today and I said to my wife, “Six letters…another word for a broad road in a town or city? I still haven’t got it!” “Avenue?” she said “No,” I said, “I haven’t, stop rubbing it in.”

I regularly go to protests and rallies covered in salt, pepper, vinegar or various other herbs and spices. What can I say, I’m a seasoned campaigner.

Since suffering horrendous facial burns, my neighbour has been knitting non stop. Despite my best intentions, she doesn’t like the new nickname I’ve given her. ‘Scarf ace’.

I stopped celebrating as soon as I realised I’d misunderstood the news my girlfriend broke to me earlier. …I thought she meant Spears.

My pretentious new girlfriend took me down to her film club last night. I think I was a little out of my depth. They were all juxtaposition this and narrative that and how they adore the use of subtext. Then I was asked, “And do you have a favourite indie film?” “Err, Temple of Doom?”

I was at the gym and asked the guy next to me if he’d be my spotter while I’m lifting. As I pulled my trousers down he punched me at the urinal.

“I brought a chinchilla back from Mexico.” “I wouldn’t worry. They can treat that sort of thing with penicillin these days.”

Brothers aren’t always right. But when they are, they invent the aeroplane.

I got stopped by the Police last night. ‘Have you been drink driving sir?’ asked the Police officer I was outraged so I told him ‘No, I did all my drinking at the pub. I haven’t touched a drop since I’ve been driving’

I was washing the car with my son earlier, He didn’t make a very good sponge…

I failed a maths exam today when I couldn’t answer the question, “Give an example of a compound number,” despite spending more than 1 hour 10 minutes thinking about it.

I signed up for this ‘Kony 2012’ campaign earlier today… I can’t wait to start kidnapping, raping and pillaging!