Category: misunderstanding

I was showing a couple around one of my agencies properties today. After the tour, they were both really impressed. “Lets talk figures,” Said the guy. “Okay,” I replied, “I have four Action men, a Buzz and a Woody, what about you?”

My wife said she’d like to try swinging. So I hung her.

I was walking down the road with my friend when a hooded youth jumped from a bush and took him hostage. “Give me the phone or your mate gets it” he shouted at me. “My mate can have it” I said, “He’ll give it me back when you’ve gone.”

Sven Goran Eriksonn admits interest in Chelsea managerial Vacancy. Me too mate. I cant wait to find out who their next manager will be.

My wife and I were planning our thirteen year old daughter’s surprise birthday party. I said “So what should I organise?” She said “Whatever you want, just make sure you take her by surprise.” It turns out she was talking about the birthday party, which I am no longer allowed to.

On crimewatch they are pleading for us to ring them and help give them names, so I thought I’d co-operate. They just said I wasted police time, I think Robert the rapist is a brilliant name myself.

I told my boss I am looking to get a new laptop he said I should try currys. Yeah that’s nice, and then after I will head out and look for a laptop.

My mum said she couldn’t be bothered with all the fuss on her birthday, so just buy her a box of Black Magic. I don’t why she thought it wouldn’t be fuss. I had to go to some pretty dodgy places to get chickens feet, bat’s blood and voodoo dolls. I just hope she appreciates […]

“I’m off to Switzerland.” “Going to Bern?” “No, I don’t think it’s that hot.”

Someone should tell my history teacher that the Black Plague is a work in progress.

When I got back to work after two weeks off with a broken leg, my boss told me that the head of human resources had requested a sick note, so I wrote to him saying that I like fingering dead babies.

My wife said, “If you don’t start taking drastic measures quick, you’ll find this relationship over.” So I put the fridge on the kitchen scales.

Today I lost a good friend. We never said much to each other, however we may as well have been joined at the hip. I’ll never forget those days where we walked home together – and those sweet words you would whisper in my ear. R.I.P Sony MDR – E818LP Acoustic T Turbo Headphones

I’m so proud of my African pen friend. He tells me he hasn’t had a drink in weeks. Hang on in there mate.

I went to the gym earlier and started showing off my guns to the ladies. I’m now sat in a cell waiting for the police to charge me with possession of firearms.