Category: misunderstanding

My wife said, “It’s either me or the golf. You choose.” “That’s a bit unfair,” I thought. I like to use my clubs on both.

My missus was waiting for me to come home. “I went to the doctor today about those stomach pains I’ve been having. You’ll never guess what he told me.” she said. “Go on.” I replied. “Well, lets just say that I’ll be eating for two for next seven months.” “That’s great news love.” I said. […]

I went to the dentist to have a tooth removed “Would you like to keep the tooth?” He asked “Ok, yes please” I said So he left it in there

I was holding my best mates baby today. As the baby started to scream the wife chuckled,”Ha-ha” she said, “I think she’s saying ‘Put me down now’” I said, “Alright, you’re ugly.”

My friend has just got a new job as a radiographer. I can’t wait to tune in and listen to his show.

I don’t know who this ‘Jim’ character is, or what he’s done to offend everyone. All my muscular friends keep ringing me up saying that they’re going to hit him.

There is nothing I like more than walking through the door, kicking off my shoes, taking off my work uniform and collapsing onto the sofa with a nice cold beer in front of the TV. Which I dare say is what led to me losing my job at DFS.

I bought the wife a diamond ring today as a present, but instead of being happy, she started getting ethical with me. “I hope a little African boy didn’t spend 18 hours down a dark mine for this,” she said. “Don’t be silly,” I said, “He was a grown man and he got it out […]

One of my employees came into my office today. He insisted he’d quit if he wasn’t treated with more respect. “Come on, we both know you’ll never walk out of this job”, I laughed. “Just watch me then!” he yelled. As he turned around in his wheelchair, I gathered he’d misunderstood my point.

The sun was shining today as me and my mate were walking to the pub. He said, “It looks great out today!” I said, “Cheers, I think I’ll keep it out”

BBC News: Martinez in frame for Villa job. I wonder if he’s the same thieving git who broke into my Villa last year?

I can’t understand why people think capital punishment is too harsh, I was in London only this weekend and it wasn’t THAT bad.

I got chatting to a girl in the pub. She said, “Are you coming on to me?” I said, “Don’t think so love. My flies are closed.”

English Proverb: As you make your bed, so you must lie in it. Takes me ages changing the covers while I’m still laying on the bed.

Steven glances out his window and sees his neighbour Fred. Fred has his pick-up truck backed to his door, and a refrigerator blocking the doorway. Obviously the fridge is being moved and help is needed, so Steven rushes to help his red-faced neighbour. “Need a hand with that refrigerator, Fred?” asks Steven as he throws […]