Category: misunderstanding

I went to the florists earlier to get the flowers for the wife’s funeral. The girl behind the counter said, “Your casket spread is ready, sir, as is your wreath, floral basket and your table arrangements.” I said, “Is that it then?” She said, “Oh, Just one more thing, sir, pick a lily.” I said, […]

My girlfriend wants to talk about me drawing conclusions too quickly. Five years we’ve been together. And now she just throws it all away for this?

I was on holiday in California last week and I noticed a sign in the toilets that read: “Please leave this restroom in the same state that you found it”. Idiots. Why would anyone take it to another part of the country?

“We’re going to Majorca,” I said to my wife, “I’ve just booked it with Thomas Cook.” “Fantastic,” she smiled, “So when are we going?” “You’re staying here love, me and Thomas fly out next Friday.”

I’ve got a date tonight with a girl I met online.She says she is a TV girl, and I love my soaps, so we should hit it off straight away.

According to the World Health Organisation, HIV cases in Africa are ‘set to explode’. That’s a new symptom.

I’ve realised that the problem with encouraging guys to follow their dreams is that they could get arrested for stalking.

Just got fired from my first day at the hairdressers… It seems I misheard the lady who wanted perm in her hair…

“How can we take our relationship to the next level?” I asked my new girlfriend. “Meet the parents?” she suggested. That’s why I think I’ve fallen for her, I’d never have thought of just watching a DVD.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said, “I wouldn’t mind going to Vegas in America, or failing that Philadelphia.” I can’t really afford Vegas so I just got her the tub of Philadelphia.

I told my son and his friends that our neighbourhood could do with some ethnic cleansing…. They’re not the brightest bunch, I just found out they’ve been going around washing pakis

I went to an interview for a job at the local fish mongers yesterday. I didn’t get it. Their idea about how to “bone a fish” was very different to mine.

A Scottish man was in the zoo, and saw a large, hairy animal. “What’s that?” he asked the zookeeper. “A Canadian moose”, the zookeeper replied. “A Canadian moose? They must have rats like rhinos over there!”

I gave up my spot on the bus for an old lady. Unfortunately, she wasn’t a very good driver and crashed.

I took my new girlfriend to the cinema yesterday. As soon as the lights went dark, I started kissing her neck and gently fingering her. A Mum with her two young kids was sat behind me and started tutting. After a while she said, “Do you mind. There are children here!” “I’m sorry” I said, […]