Category: misunderstanding

My wife asked me to kiss her in that ‘special place’. We’re gonna get caught breaking into the local spastic home one of these days.

One of the girls in the office was flirting with me in the kitchen this morning, but I think I’ve blown my chances with her. “I bet you’ve got a nice lunchbox,” she said with a wink and cheeky smile. “I have. Want a look?” I said. “Go on then,” she said excitedly, checking that […]

The police were at the door, “Can we have a quiet word Mr Smith, we’ve information about a paedophile operating down your street?” “Information?” I replied. “Yes, we think the best view of it will be from your bedroom window.” So shutting the door I winked, “You fellas are too kind, thanks for the tip! […]

Took my son out camping for the first time and entrusted him to just pack the bare necessities. Now we’re stuck here for two days with nothing but honey and berries.

A guy at work today said that “gullible” wasn’t in the dictionary. What an idiot I have just had a look and it is.

I’ve just come back from a holiday in Amsterdam. Whilst I was there I visisted a brothel where the proprietor asked me if I’d like to take advantage of their “two for the price of one” promotion. I politely declined and told her that I thought that two was a little bit too old.

Isn’t it funny how two small spelling mistakes can ruin your day? My wife’s text got me so excited two weeks after leaving for Florida. Anyway, turned out she was waiting at Heathrow for a cab, not Deathrow for a jab.

My Italian neighbour came up to me this morning and said, “I’ve died your-a-cat ginger.” “You dyed him? But he was ginger in the first place.” “Sorry, my english, she no-a-that good, I mean your-a ginger cat died. I hit her with-a-the lawnmower.”

BBC Sport: “Oliver fails in 110m hurdles record bid” No wonder, those are some pretty high hurdles…

When my girlfriend said, “Get lost for good.” Apparently she didn’t mean buy the dvd.

My wife and I came home from a night out to find our fifteen year old son fast asleep on the settee. “Seeing as he’s fast asleep, do you want to, you know” my wife winked at me “brilliant idea, love,what team do you want to be?” i replied while grabbing the xbox pad and […]

I like to impress to women by showing off the newest technology. I’m always most confident with my foot on the pedal of a sleek new machine. Unfortunately, most of them have seen that type of bin before.

I saw my ex the other day. Turns out she is married with a baby. What idiot marries a baby?

My wife went absolutely ballistic when she got a tax bill for200, shouting, swearing & screaming like a lunatic. I’m not playing Monopoly with her any more.

A girl came up to me in a club and said ‘You look familiar to me. Are you on TV?’. To which I replied ‘Why, yes. Come back to my place and I’ll tell you all about it’. We went back to my flat and she said ‘Come on then. What were you on TV […]