Category: joke

Dear ITV, I have had a brilliant idea for a TV show while I was at a friends barbeque watching the England v Germany game. The ITV could do a program for every time England need to do a squad selection for a football game. It would be exactly the same format as the current […]

I was going to do Philosophy as a Major. But I couldn’t find the uniform.

Why is this joke like cancer ? Because not everyone will get it.

I was selling polo shirts down the Market yesterday when some bloke came up to me and said ” you got lacoste mate?” I said, 15 quid each or 2 for 25.

Kids in the dark cause accidents, Accidents in the dark cause kids.

If u want to see a room full of panicked looking faces walk into the offices of injury lawyers for u and pretend to slip over and brake your arm.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on how to fake your own death. The librarian says; “Sorry, Im afraid it was checked out on the 25th of June by a monkey and we havent seen it since.”

I put together a punchline, a bit of set up and threw in some misdirection in the mix and was horribly disappointed with what I was left with. It was a complete joke.

Phil and some friends were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled “21”, and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled “34” and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this, asked his friend, “Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called […]

I just sold the movie rights to my life story. It’s not easy being a nocturnal alcholic but I can wait to see “Night Cider”.

Pirates used to be intimidating until they entered the DVD-copying business.

“Have you given any more thought about kids?” my wife asked me. “Yes I have actually,” I replied. “Brilliant!” she said, “So what do you think?” “I reckon they’ll be OK for another half an hour. Pint or half?”

I’m guessing they tried to kill Joss Stone with scissors. Everyone knows you need paper to beat Stone.

Why did Emile Heskey cross the road? Because he missed the bus

I’m not arrogant. I’m actually just better than everybody else.