Category: food and drink

I’ve created a recipe for ‘herb bread’ which makes a 9″ baguette. I call it Dill dough.

My nan accidentally made a trifle with KY jelly. It didn’t taste very nice but it went down well.

When I am bored, I like to ring up Currys and ask if they deliver. When they say “yes”, I like to respond with “Well, I’ll have a Lamb Balti with a Keema Naan, and the Missus will have a Chicken Korma”.

Me and the wife opened a real can of worms earlier. I think it’s safe to say that’s the last time we’ll shop at Netto.

I was in McDonald’s yesterday when this big bloke who must have been about 7ft walked in and asked for a cheeseburger. I thought to myself, “That’s a tall order.”

It might be the wine talking… But more likely it’s Dave, the guy I have locked down in my wine cellar.

Do you ever find that when looking after toddler, you have the same conversations as when looking after your drunk friend after a night out? 1. Whats wrong dude, why are you crying? 2. What is he saying? I dunno, what are you saying? 3. Are you hungry? Do you think he wants to eat? […]

I was in KFC today and ordered a five piece chicken box. “Any sides?” asked the server. I said “Yeah, four would be good.”

The fat missus has started getting a bit of pride in herself lately. Well, she’s started eating lion bars.

Alphabetti Spaghetti not geeky enough? Simply mix regular tinned Spaghetti and Hoops together for exciting Binary Spaghetti.

I bought a frozen pizza from Asda the other day and it said on the box, “Cook for between 20 and 22 minutes.” Now, I’m not a genius, but isn’t that 21 minutes?

I push my tongue inside and pause, luxuriating in the taste. The sweet nectar plays on my tongue, and I swallow greedily… How do you eat a Dairy Milk Caramel?

I’d probably quit Oasis too if the slogan for my band was “for people who don’t like water.”

My history teacher asked me who the Great Train Robbers are. He wasn’t happy when I replied “National Rail – 3 pound 50 for a cheese sandwich”

A man once told me that every time he claps his hands a child in Africa dies! What a fantistic person trying to do his bit for charity. I think he deserves a round of applause!